Colossians 3:19 Meaning Explained

Colossians 3:19

Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.

English Standard Version (ESV)

This verse calls husbands not just to avoid outward harshness, but to actively guard against an internal bitterness or exasperation that can subtly poison a marriage. It’s a reminder that even when we feel justified in our anger, the call is to cultivate a gentle, loving spirit rather than allowing resentment to fester and grow.

What Colossians 3:19 means

This verse is part of a larger section in Colossians addressing household codes and Christian conduct within families and society. Paul just urged wives to submit to their husbands, and now he turns to husbands, immediately calling them to love their wives and avoid harshness. This teaching flows directly from the call for believers to live out their new identity in Christ through practical, everyday relationships, ensuring that their homes reflect the transformed life they now have.

The Divine Mandate for Affection

We're called to love our wives, but what does that truly look like in the everyday? It's more than just a feeling; it's an active, Christ-inspired commitment.

Paul doesn't just give a suggestion here; it's a command.

A Love Rooted in Christ

This isn't just any love. The New Testament uses a specific word for this kind of love, one that's selfless, sacrificial, and actively seeks the good of the other. It's the kind of love God has for us, and it's the standard for husbands loving their wives. It’s a love that’s deepened and made holy by the Gospel.

More Than Just a Feeling

This love isn't passive. It requires intentionality and action. It's about cherishing, protecting, and actively pursuing your wife's well-being. It’s a commitment to nurture the relationship, reflecting God's own faithful love.

The Danger of a Bitter Spirit

We might not think we're harsh, but a subtle bitterness can poison a marriage. What does it mean to 'not be bitter,' and why is it so crucial?

The command to 'not be bitter' is a powerful antidote to the destructive forces that can erode a marriage.

What is Bitterness?

Bitterness isn't just occasional anger; it's a settled spirit of resentment, exasperation, or ill-will. It's a 'spitefully cross tone and treatment.' This can manifest as irritability, harsh words, or a cold, unloving demeanor, especially when we feel we have authority or aren't challenged.

The Absence of Love

As one commentator wisely noted, 'Wherever bitterness is, there love is wanting.' Bitterness and true love are incompatible. A marriage marked by bitterness is described as 'hell upon earth.' This command calls husbands to actively guard against allowing such a spirit to take root.

Understand the original words

Original language

loveἀγαπᾶτε

agapate · Greek Verb

A selfless, sacrificial, and unconditional commitment to the well-being and benefit of another, characterized by the pattern of Christ's love for the church.

harshπικραίνεσθε

pikrainesthe · Greek Verb

Describes being bitter, irritable, or unnecessarily severe in demeanor or treatment; in marriage, it stands in direct opposition to the Christ-like love commanded of husbands.

Historical context

Written: Likely around 60-62 AD.
Author: Paul the Apostle, traditionally understood as the sole author, though some scholars debate Pauline authorship for Colossians.
Location: Written from Rome, likely during his first imprisonment.
Genre: Epistle (letter) characterized by its theological depth and practical instruction for Christian living.

Key themes

01Husband's loving duty
02Gentle, non-harsh treatment
03Christian marriage conduct

Cross-references

Ephesians 5:25

This passage, written by the same apostle, parallels the command for husbands to love their wives and expands on the nature of that love by comparing it to Christ's love for the church, setting a high standard for sacrificial affection.

1 Peter 3:7

Peter instructs husbands to live with their wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, which complements Paul's command not to be harsh by emphasizing thoughtful consideration.

Proverbs 12:18

This verse speaks about the destructive nature of reckless words, which directly relates to the idea of not being 'bitter' or harsh, highlighting how careless speech can wound deeply.

Matthew 7:12

Jesus' teaching on the Golden Rule, 'Do to others what you would have them do to you,' provides a foundational principle that applies directly to marital interactions, guiding husbands to treat their wives with kindness rather than bitterness.

Scholarly commentary

Colossians 3:18-25: "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord."

3:18-25 The epistles most taken up in displaying the glory of the Divine grace, and magnifying the Lord Jesus, are the most particular in pressing the duties of the Christian life. We must never separate the privileges and duties of the gospel. Submission is the duty of wives. But it is submission, not to a severe lord or stern tyrant, but to her own husband, who is engaged to affectionate duty. And…
henry

Colossians 3:19: "Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them."

Husbands, love your wives ... - Notes, Ephesians 4:25-29 .
barnes

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